Your mind is a powerful computer.  It was an empty hard drive at birth.  Since then it has been receiving programming.  Much of that programming was entered by someone other then yourself.  It was entered by parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors, and other influential or caretaker type people in your life.  Much of that programming was negative and not in your best success interest.  For example, have you ever been told things like: 

• You're just not good at that,
• You don't clean up after yourself,
• You're just like your father (or mother),
• You don't apply yourself,
• You do just enough to get by,
• You just don't listen,
• You don't try hard enough,  
• You just don't think,
• You don't care about anyone but yourself?

You get the idea.  And have you ever told yourself such things as:

• I don't remember names,
• That's just my luck,
• Today just isn't my day,
• I never win anything,
• Nothing ever goes my way,
• I just can't get ahead,
• I just can't seem to keep the weight off.
• Can't afford the things I want?

All of this is negative programming.  This negative programming needs to be overwritten with new positive programming.  Your success is driven by your actions.  Your actions are driven by your feelings.  Your feelings are driven by your attitudes, your attitudes are driven by your beliefs.  Your beliefs are driven by your programming.  Your thoughts and what you tell yourself are your programming.  To control your programming you must control your thoughts.  Only allow positive thoughts; only tell yourself positive things about yourself and your habits.  coach@growthquest.net, www.newdirectionsbh.com

        

Gratitude is such a wonderful thing.  It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.  It’s also hard to be grateful and depressed at the same time.  Being grateful and mindful of what you are grateful for and why can help turn your attitude from negative to positive.  A positive attitude leads to good feelings and increased happiness.    It can start a day off in a good way.  It can end the day on a positive note.  Taking note of your “gratitudes” at the end of the day right before going to bed helps you rest to pleasant thoughts rather than worries and anxieties.  Start a gratitude journal today.  Try it and share your results.  coach@growthquest.net, www.newdirectionsbh.com

        

• Do get an attorney
• Do know your rights
• Do have realistic expectations
• Do understand that in South Carolina there is a set guideline for child support developed by the Department of Social Services and adhered to by the court  
• Do be honest about income, expenses, and assets
• Do work toward a reasonable settlement, continued adversarial positions deplete assests available to both parties and to your children  (the attorney gets the money)
• Do think about the kids when negotiating custody and visitation - put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself what is the best arrangement for them 
• Do develop a coparenting agreement to ensure the children receive consistent parenting between households - this is best for them. 
• Do put your anger aside long enough to settle your divorce. 
• Do be proactive and save yourself some money by using a family mediator early in the divorce process when there are settlement problems
• Do use a counselor to help you with the emotional trauma and drama of divorce
• Do use a counselor or a coach to help you rediscover yourself and design your post divorce life

• Don't use your attorney as your counselor for emotional matters
• Don't wait until the court appoints your family mediator and chooses one for you
• Don't jump right into another relationship
• Don't use your children as a spy on your spouse
• Don't parade your new woman or man in front of your children - give them time to heal
• Don't ever put your spouse down or talk negatively about your spouse to your children - this only damages the children
• Don't use your children as bargaining chips or go betweens
• Don't let anger get in the way of good judgement
• Don't withdraw and get depressed
• Don't take your anger, frustration, and hurt out on your family and friends
• Don't overindulge in the use of alcohol or drugs
• Don't make decisions based on emotions
• Don't cut off communication with your spouse - this results in family assets being transferred to the attorney in the way of fees

        

Most of us who find ourselves alone do not like being alone.  Some stay home, get depressed and complain.  Others are proactive and do something about it.  Granted dating after 50 has its challenges.  One of the best places to meet prospective dates or mates is online.  Those who shy away from online dating due to fears of what may or may not happen are missing out on a great opportunity.   However, there are a few basic rules to follow. 

Rule #1
Be honest.  I have heard so many guys complain that they went out of their way to drive and meet a lady only to be disappointed once they saw her face to face.  Usually the complaint is that she lied about her weight.  Sometimes it is that she lied about her age and used old pictures.  Ladies the only thing this gets you is one date and the guy is just staying for the remainder of the date to be nice.  But guys lie as well.  Some lie about their marital status, their age, or present a current relationship as a past relationship. 

Rule #2
Post a photo.  Use a recent picture that accurately represents how you look today.  I have seen even guys put up an old picture as their main photo then post recent photos in the more pictures section of the profile.  (These are the same guys that complain about the women being untruthful).  In my  opinion, this is deceptive and the person who uses a younger photo as bait for interest will prove to deceive you in other ways as well. 

Rule #3
Put your best face forward.  The photo is your first introduction to potential dates or mates.  Do post a photo.  Most people will not communicate with those who refuse to post or provide a photo.  Do what is needed to ensure your photo provides the best possible introduction.  Have a studio photo taken or use a friend with a little photographic skill.  Stay clear of  blurry photos or photos with other people.  Your face needs to be solidly visible in your primary photo.  A full body shot should be posted as a secondary photo.  Never ever post photos of you with members of the opposite sex.  

Rule #4
Invest in your profile.  Take the time and effort required to write a good profile.  It is all about marketing yourself and your profile is your marketing copy.  Every good marketer knows features tell but benefits sell.  You are marketing yourself.  Get in touch with what makes you unique and special and talk about it.  The dating sites do a good job of describing your features.  Communicating your benefits is up to you.  Stay positive and steer clear of negative comments in profiles.  If you do not write well, get help.  Hire a professional profile writer.  Just make sure the finished product is an accurate representation of you. 

Rule #5
Use spell check.  Written presentation is important.  Write your profile in word; edit, spell check, and save.  Then copy and paste to your online profile.  The word file will come in handy should you decide to post a profile on multiple dating sites.  This small attention to detail can win big points.   

Rule #6
Have a shopping list.  Know yourself and be very clear about what you are looking for.  Don't continue to date or communicate with those that do not fit the bill.  You are only prolonging the inevitable and increasing the probability of someone getting hurt.  One of the best reads I have seen on this subject is Date or Soul Mate by Neil Clark Warren, founder of eharmony.  Although I am not a huge fan of eharmony, the book is full of rock solid dating advice.

Rule #7
Be considerate.  Choose a place and time for the first meet and greet that will allow for a quick and courteous exit should either one of you so desire.  This is much preferred over a day long outing or an expensive dinner.  A coffee shop or lounge in a popular restaurant work quite nicely.  You want to check for mutual attraction as well as general compatibility.  Do meet someplace conducive to conversation.  There is always the option of extending the evening should things go well.

Rule #8
Apply the litmus test for chemistry, the kiss test.  If when sitting across form your date and looking into their eyes, you don't feel the urge to kiss, run for the hills.  No matter how tempted you may be to try a second date, you are wasting your time - an essential element of attraction is absent.   If you kiss 'em once, make sure you want to kiss 'em again. 

Rule #9
Proceed slowly.  Be wary of too much too fast unless.  If your objective is a one night stand or a short term physical relationship, be honest and up front.  There are singles of both sexes with just that agenda.  If you are a woman or man who becomes emotionally involved with sexual intimacy, you should wait until you are fairly certain of continued mutual interest.   Be aware that there are those who play the "catch and release" game.  They are always looking for that next email bringing a better option.   If you have been intimate and decide to move on, please give the other party the courtesy of a face to face break up.  Online dating etiquette deems it  inappropriate to end an intimate relationship with an email. 

Rule #10
Be patient and persistent.  You may have to meet a lot of toads before you find your prince or princess.  Don't wast a lot of time chatting on the Internet or talking on the phone before meeting in person.  One can spend hours upon hours in interesting conversation only to discover upon meeting the total absence of physical attraction.  Phone conversations can reveal information as to personality but true compatibility is only assessed through face to face contact.  Go ahead and schedule a quick meet and greet.  Potential can often be assessed in the first 5 minutes.  The quicker the weeding, the better the harvest.  

Rule #11
Be smart.  Limit your alcohol consumption to 1 or 2 drinks on the first date.  Too much alcohol clouds judgment .  If you drink too much you may participate in activities you later regret. 

Rule #12
Keep your options open.  Don't be too quick to close doors.  You never know but your #1 interest will loose its glitter.  If you have closed a door too tightly, you may not be able to go back and open it again. 

Rule #13
Follow the 2 year rule.  Please do date for 2 years before getting married.  Many who have broken this rule have lived to regret it.  The two year time frame gives plenty of time for the masks and good behaviors to be tossed to the wind and you will know the good and the bad about your potential mate.  You will have the information you need to make a sound well thought out life decision. 

Rule #14
Take a chance.  Step out of your comfort zone, use good judgment, and have fun.  You may just find the love of your life!

        

You may think it is only women who have a rough time of starting over after 50.  Let me tell you about a male friend of mine.  He served as a firefighter for 25 years, a hometown hero, as I am sure he has helped save many lives.  He developed a health problem that required him to leave his chosen career on disability.   After that his girlfriend of 5 years decided she wanted to see what else was out there.  And a major catastrophe took the life of 9 of his firefighter buddies.  His dog (of the best friend type) died.  The government is dragging it's feet on approving his social security disability and the disability payments from the fire department just barely covers monthly bills.  His parents are deceased. 

In this situation the first thing we do is look for what he does have.  He has a home close to the beach that he loves.  He has a wonderful daughter with whom he is close.  He is a talented artist and has artwork available for sale. He has a new dog, a wonderful cat, many friends, a new truck, and a therapist paid for by the former employer.  He has been putting lots of energy into fixing up his home.  He has many talents.  He owns a home with equity for needed financing.  It is time for him to get out and about and create a new future for himself.   

He feels he has no hope of landing meaningful employment due to his health problem which is not going to go away.  His artwork is quite good but he will tell you very quickly that he knows nothing about business and how to promote his art.  So in this case, my suggestion is to focus on the artwork.  Learn about marketing.  Make it a business.  And pound the pavement looking for outlets to sell his work. 

I connected him with a gallery owner friend of mine who will hopefully get him started in the right direction regarding marketing his artwork to galleries.  I referred him to the local Small Business Development Center for business consulting on the right way to start a business.  And I suggested he hire a coach.  In this situation coaching is very appropriate in addition to counseling.  He needs to create a clear, believable future vision for his life and his business.  Then he will need a road map to make it happen with specific small steps outlined along the way, a silent partner to help and encourage, and priorities.  He will need an accountability partner, someone to keep him focused and on task.  Someone to help him maneuver around obstacles that get in the way, brainstorm for solutions, and celebrate the successes along the way.   The counselor will help him deal with the emotional issues connected with his losses.  The coach and he will co-create his new life and business. 

So, ladies, you do not have a monopoly on needing to start over after 50 in multiple life areas.  It happens to the men too.

        

        

Getting back on the track of getting your house in oder (see earlier post "Tools for Getting Your House In Oder") your next best step is to set priorities.  Take a look at the self inventory you completed.  What were the categories in which you scored the highest?  What were the lowest three?  Do you feel confident and comfortable that you can make changes in the three lowest areas?  is it within the realm of your control at this time?  If something is not in your control at this time, then you need to set it aside until a time in the future when it will be under your control.  Work on other areas now, those that you can control. 

For example, if you are going through a divorce the proceedings may not allow you to work on creating more romance in your life at this time. 

Prioritize the top three.  Put the first priority at the top of the list.  Consider the goal you jotted down earlier.  Is it still a good goal and is the target date realistic?  If not, then set a new goal and target date. 

Do the same with the other two categories in your lowest three.  When you are done, you know where to focus your efforts and energy to make the biggest difference.

More later.

        

Are you on the other side of 50 and dealing with some type of challenge or issue related to starting over?  It can be starting a new career, a new relationship, moving to a new area, starting over after divorce or the death of a spouse, a new lifestyle, health changes, or dealing with retirement.  I want to know about your challenges.  I want to know what you would like to see addressed here.  Send me your questions, your situations, I want to know what you are facing.  I will send responses.  This will help me know what subject matter to cover in the blog rather than depending on my own experience and that of my friends.   

Thank you so much.  Your communication is greatly appreciaated.  You can email directly to sandy@sandydavidson.com, or simply leave a comment here on the blog.   

        

Thank you to those of you who found this blog and left comments.  I apologize for not replying to your comments in a timely manner.  I switched to a new blog host and of posted comments.  I now know Ito check regualry for blog traffic and comments. 

Are you an American Idol fan?  Even if no, surely by now you are aware of the newest American Idol, 17 year old Jordan Sparks.  Most would agree that she has at her young age achieved some degree of success.  And most Americans have actually shopped in a Walmart, the brainchild of Sam Walton who was in his 70's when it came into being.  So success can visit upon the young and the old alike.  One can conclude that age is not the determining factor. 

Boomers are forging new paths daily.  Different from any previous generation, they are changing the definition of retirement.  For many retirement means a less stressful job or profession.  Some wait until they have retired from the first career, to start a second perhaps pursuing an area of their passion.  Those who want to retire into the life of sitting in the rocking chair are in the resounding minority.  Even employers are recognizing the benefits of hiring the older worker with good work ethics.  Many new small businesses are founded by 50 plus entrepreneurs.  It is continued activity, purposeful living, and the exercising of the mind that keeps us young vibrant.

I have an Aunt who is 10 years my senior.  She lost her husband about a year and a half ago.  She continues to work in the career of her choice that she developed after her kids were up.  She has a new man in her life.  He lost his wife a little over a year ago as well.  They are now a couple, described by a third party as two peas in a pod.  Both had to step out of their comfort zone, take a risk, and try something new.  They actually met at a shag (dance) club, or re-met.  It seems they were friends as married couples 40 years ago.  My aunt takes good care of herself.  She eats healthily, exercises regularly, and keeps herself in good form. 

Success is not defined by age, but by whether or not one thinks they can.  Henry Ford once said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right."  He was ridiculed for believing he could create the automobile.  Yet he believed, and he persisted.  We all know the result. 

If you think you can succeed, if you believe you will succeed, then you will be blessed with success.    Do not let age discourage you from pursuing what you really want.  Set your mind to it, have confidence and belief in yourself and go for it! 

        

I certainly think so.  Although it is not quite as easily accomplished as in the earlier years.  In my town, there are way more 50 plus women than men.  There is even a bigger shortage of men one would actually want to engage in a relationship.  So many men seem to stop caring about how they look, they don't bathe regularly or do their laundry.  And some act as if they are ancient.   Some prefer the lure of the younger woman.  However, there are still men of quality out there who prefer to keep time with women near their own age.  

A male friend has shared with me some of the dating horrors he has encountered.  He told me about the woman who invited him over for dinner then wanted to have him as an appetizer.  He left immediately.  Then there was the woman who on the third date kept demanding to know what he thought about "us".  Advanced age does not give one a pass for rapid relationship formation.  All the rules still apply.  And men who are older are more inclined to expect a lady to act like a lady.  Contrary to popular thought all men are not ready to hop in the sack with the first enticing woman to give them the time of day.  

Men and women who have reached the age of 50 have a pretty good idea of what they want and need in a partner.  They would rather be alone than lower the standard.  They already know what doesn't work for them.

So men, the ladies will not like you if you look and smell like you came out of a dumpster.  Stay clean, active, and take care of yourself.  Women, slow it down, give the relationship time to bloom before giving the flower away, or expecting too much too soon.  Everyone needs to have interests, hobbies, and meaningful activities to stay interesting.  Who wants a dull romance?